Planet Wavering | Amour Sauvage



An Endless Supply of Nuts | by Don Sauvage

Hey, gang: Puh-huh-leeze cease and desist! I don't know who turned over what rock this week, but everyone who wrote was exactly the kind of idiot I loathe. Why must you all insist on whining? Don't you have lives? I do my best to enlighten you and all I get in return is a sad sack of dull mail. And speaking of dull males, I'm warning you now. Unless I start getting real questions from real men, I will be forced to stop writing this weekly column. Other distinguished columnists have done it and I hear they are happy they did. So, don't take these pearls of wisdom for granted. I have better things to do with my life. Too bad you don't.

Dearest Don:

I am sorry to have to write you at work, but you haven't returned any of my phone calls. My support group tells me I should just keep trying to reach you, that it is important I hear this news directly from you. As you know, I've been a loyal member of PFLAG for years now, but all this time, I thought I was attending meetings and marching in the Pride Parade to support your roommate. He is such a nice boy and I know how helpful he is around the house, especially with the baby. I figured he needed as much love as he can since he lives with you. Now, I hear through the grapevine that you are gay, too. It's not that I mind. Lord knows I am the most open-minded person around. I just wish you had felt comfortable telling me yourself. How have I failed you? Please call so we can work this out. Whoever you are, I will always be proud.
--Mum's the Word

Let me see if I follow you, MTW: you say that you didn't know I was gay? Didn't you ever once wonder why all your clothes ended up in my closet when I was a kid? And what about high school? Didn't it occur to you that I never dated a girl? What did you think I was doing in my bedroom with Peter from next door? He sure as shit didn't come over because he liked your chocolate chip cookies. Once again, I find a measure of comfort in knowing that genetics is not necessarily destiny.

Hey, um, Don!

Can someone get a sexually transmitted disease from a doorknob? Since early February, my boyfriend has been totally weird about opening and closing doors. He won't even go out of the house without wearing rubber gloves. I'm starting to think this is a fetish or something. I love him, but I swear if he starts touching me with those things on, I'm leaving.
--Not Kinky in Iowa

The only people who can get an STD from a doorknob are young Republicans, and if you have landed yourself one of the finest pieces of meat in the nation, you should consider yourself lucky. Maybe you should just relax and ask him to use those rubber gloves the way they were meant to be used.

Don, you're the only one I can say this to.

This is embarrassing. I've been womyn-identified for more years than I can count on my fingers and toes combined. So, you can imagine my horror when one night my girlfriend and I were making love and I suddenly imagined I was in bed with a man. And it wasn't just any man. It was you. Ever since, I just can't get you out of my mind. I used to go to gay bingo when you were a guest celebrity and I guess I got this picture of you calling the numbers burned in my mind. I know how you feel about bisexuals, and I hate to think that maybe I am one of them. Help me please. There is no one else I can turn to about this.

OK, Bi-wildered, you should hate yourself. Not only have you completely sacrificed whatever tiny shred of self-respect you may have left, you have done it in front of billions of my readers. If you want to one of those freaks who marches under the namby-pamby-can't-make-up-your-mind banner at the next Pride march, be my guest. But leave me out of it. Keep your sick little fantasies off my body.

Don, Don, Listen,

I am one of those people you make fun of. Last year, I was only 5 pounds under the recommended weight for a woman of my height and age and bone structure. Every time you said something about obese people, I'd look at myself in the mirror and throw up. I knew you would think I am too fat. But now, I've lost another 15 pounds and I'm starting to feel better about myself. There is one problem though. A few weeks ago you wrote an article about eating pets. I'm hungry a lot of the time, and now my cat is starting to look pretty appetizing. What else can you suggest for a low-fat snack?
-- Ready to Eat My Pussy

How about a gerbil? ++

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