You wrote,
> i think that one partner is a perfectly reasonable
> choice if it is honest, usually it is not, i am also
> saying that we DO in fact love more than one and
> that is that is that so why deny this?
oh eric eric eric,
I'm fucking writing to you again. Bits of our rant and roll
are below, to refresh your memory if necessary. Gee whiz, I can't
wait to read what you write about marriage.
Marriage Statistics:
Of the ten women friends I was with this week:
--three have been divorced twice, two of these are on their
3rd marriage and happy (the third time's the charm, they assure
me)
--two have been divorced once
--four are in unhappy marriages
--one lived with but did not marry her child's father, who died
by suicide when the child was two
Of these ten women I am the relative baby at 49 (divorced
twice). The only two happy marriages are the third timers. One
of these women is in her 50s and the other 72 (fabulous and sexy,
thank god for the inspiration she provides me). The four women
in unhappy marriages are in their late 50s or early 60s. Two
of these are quite desperately unhappy but having a very rough
time actually deciding to get out. It can be very tough not to
try and shake some sense (or at least some fire) into them. I
have to remember they're going at their own pace. But these older
unhappy women are the hardest to see because it feels like they
missed the really opportune times to leave. They are unhappy,
yes, but the older they get the more they worry about being alone,
getting sick, and having enough money. And with those overriding
concerns, they'll never leave. Can you imagine 37 years of marriage?
How many years were happy I wonder.
So why do we marry? Over and over again. And why do we stay?
I stayed because I wanted my family to survive, my nice tidy
little unit with mommy and daddy and children. Although it was
hugely unpopular at the time, I was my kids' primary caregiver
when they were small. Somebody has to take care of family business.
It was tough to be doing work that nobody seemed to value even
though I knew it was important. Marriage does seem to provide
a structure for taking care of children because it supports the
non wage earning partner. But still, often both parents work
when children are small, and they're so tired and our work ethic
is so perverse that babies die in hot cars because parents forget
they are there.
Our culture is so fucked up. I do admire your work in the
face of all this. I don't mean to be a smartass and I haven't
analyzed your work sentence by sentence. Regarding polywhateveritscalled,
what really drives me crazy is that I agree with you on its merits
- it's sensible and big and right - but your presentation is
so provocative and your anti-monogamy rhetoric so (to me) negative
that I find myself getting very defensive. Your anti-monogamy
rhetoric does not persuade me of the merits of polyamory (which
I agree with) but instead makes me want to fight to defend monogamy.
holly
