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Q: I am 42, divorced for 11 years, with three daughters. All my life I have been "Pollyanna" optimistic about love and relationships. I would like to be involved with a man who has a zest for life that can include caring for and about a combined family. I have held the belief that I would find someone on my life path that would be a great companion and lover. But, for some unknown reason, I have not been able to manifest this in my life.
The years have brought me a near poverty existence and mountainous struggles to maintain what I do have. I have not had a long term (a year or more) dating relationship with anyone for several years. I have met a few good candidates that have not wanted the level of involvement that I do, and have declined a few offers that I felt were not close enough to my desires. And, I regret the fact that even if I were to marry tomorrow, there will always be more years spent as a "fractured" family than as a whole one.
I am now realizing that I may never experience being part of a couple, which is what I have dreamed about my entire life. My confusion on this issue is how such a cherished goal could remain so utterly unattainable.
Do you see where these disparities show in my chart, or have advice in how to reconcile my fractured fairy tale? (Scorpio rising, Capricorn Sun, Aries Moon)
A: With Neptune rising in Scorpio, fairy tales can have a narcotic effect. Their imagery and promise of happily ever after are addictive and lull you to sleep. At this time in your life, you are in a process of awakening, and possibly withdrawing.
In addition to Neptune's influence, other patterns in your chart that support this include your Uranus opposition in the Aquarius/Leo and 3rd/9th house continuums, your natal Venus, Chiron, Chariklo and Pholus in Aquarius in the 3rd house, transiting Asbolus and Neptune in Aquarius in the 3rd house, natal Nessus and Hylonome in Taurus in the 7th house, and transiting Hylonome, Pholus and Psyche conjunct your Ascendant in Scorpio.
The prevalent themes of your natal chart indicate an almost exquisite sensitivity, or predisposition, to the power of the collective unconscious as expressed in symbols and stories. While we all respond to this power in some way, your drug of choice seems to be tales of romantic separation, suffering and redemption, like Cinderella or Romeo and Juliet.
Like any addiction, these fairy tales preempt your intuition, your will, your choice, and your spiritual evolution. Stories of idealized love -- the companion who is both savior and soul mate; the partner who will complete -- create and perpetuate dependence on something or someone outside of yourself to fulfill your needs. I understand that it is hard to get clean, to part with cherished goals and ideals. It can leave you feeling disappointed and empty of everything except regret. But, it is time to sober up and recognize the power fairy tales have had in directing your responses to life's opportunities, including how you respond to potential partners and the needs of your "fractured" family.
In The Power of Myth, Joseph Campbell says, "Fairy tales are for children. Very often they're about a little girl who doesn't want to grow up to be a woman. At the crisis of that threshold crossing she's balking. So she goes to sleep until the prince comes through all the barriers and gives her a reason to think that it might be nice on the other side after all. Many of the Grimm tales represent the little girl who is stuck. All of those dragon killings and threshold crossings have to do with getting past being stuck."1
If there ever was time in your life for getting past being stuck, this is it. With your Uranus opposition in full swing, and transiting Hylonome and Pholus catalyzing this process, it's an opportunity to break addictive habits and build your power to co-create your world from the inside out. To quote Campbell again, "There are proper myths for proper times of life. As you grow older, you need a sturdier mythology."1
A sturdier mythology would move you from fairy tales, dreams, and regret to archetypes, action and power. In archetypes, we find universal energetic patterns that can lead to understanding and integration. When we start to plug into these patterns, we can conduct, or ground, this high voltage energy in our physical lives and our biology. We access the energy necessary to support change and healing.
The interaction of transiting Uranus, Hylonome, Pholus and Psyche with your natal Venus and the 3rd house, is rerouting your circuits. You are being plugged into the energy of the archetype of the Lovers and the timeless concept of the sacred marriage to the self. In the tarot, the Lovers card represents "fulfilling that which is lacking within ourselves, since the constant yearning to reconquer the lost paradise through desperate merging with another cannot be satisfied as long as we repress our inner emptiness through the bond with a 'complementary' partner." 2
The Lovers also represent a choice or a decision. You are at the threshold of identity where you need to decide if what you seek can be found within or without. Are you going to stay with Romeo and Juliet, or can you embrace Eros and Psyche?
Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.++
1) Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers, The Power of Myth (New York: Doubleday, 1988).
2) Akron and Hajo Banzhaf, The Crowley Tarot: The Handbook to the Cards by Aleister Crowley and Lady Frieda Harris (Canada: U.S. Games Systems Inc., 1995).