A Non-Jealous Man on Jealousy

An Interview with Clay Landacre

YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF as a 'non-jealous man' what does that mean to you?

"Not being jealous means allowing freedom. I was blessed to be raised in a household without jealousy. My parents had an open marriage, as do I. Our relationships are based upon freedom and truth.

When one feels the 'twinge', the 'pang' of jealousy, that moment of fear rising in your throat, the ego's interpretation is that you are about to lose something. Fearing loss, you try to control the situation. The situation happens to be other human beings. Although we may want freedom for ourselves, we feel tumultuous over the duality of freedom versus control. Freedom often feels more threatening than living a controlled life. The more we feel threatened, the greater we exert control to everything and everyone around us.

Allowing freedom is an expression of love. I find extraordinary joy witnessing my partner's exploration of other human beings. Freedom involves expanding one's boundaries, inviting new experiences, while being intrigued by what's to come. Jealousy compresses experience, reduces choices, and excludes other people from one's life in the name of safety."

Why do you think men in our culture are so insecure?

"Well, they weren't born that way. A lifetime of experience has taught them to be insecure. We have created a cultural stereotype that is way too perfect to ever achieve. We believe that if we are anything less than this then we are doomed to geekhood for the rest of our lives. There's no place for being less than perfect. This image is impossible to compete with. Out of the quest for perfection, people become objects. Once they are objects, we now can own and control them.

The fallacy is that men believe they must protect 'their' women and their relationships from other men who are better looking, make more money, are better lovers, and have bigger dicks. Men have a long history of protecting what's theirs from other men. That's why we have the world we do. Most people are concerned with security because they feel so personally threatened and that insecurity seeps into every facet of their daily life. This fear is loudest in our closest relationships. Because it touches our heart, we have a strong fear response, and hang on tenaciously to that which we believe is ours. No other man shall enter. Therein lies the claim that she's 'mine'. He claims the female and everything else in his life, as his. When he does experience loss of a relationship, rather than looking inside himself for understanding, he simply fills the wound with someone else."

It appears that men and women spend a great deal of time and energy in defending themselves and their surroundings. How does this affect us personally as well as the world?

"I believe men spend most of their life's energy in achieving and maintaining the premise: my house, my car, my job, my wife. The energy drain is endless.

Have you ever looked at a two year old raging, because he couldn't get what he wanted? Apply that to men and how they treat themselves and the world. The child rages because he can't get what he wants and he is frustrated because he doesn't know how. The average man wields his control in many ways. The men in so called 'power' use a gun, a bomb, or an army. The sovereign man, a man standing in his dignity, would never act like this. He can be self-assured and self-confident because he is willing to step out of his ego for a solution, instead of jumping to blame. He doesn't insist that everyone else does it his way. He doesn't try to control other human beings. Taking care of himself is enough work for one lifetime."

How do you shift your own energy? How do you deal with it personally?

"I try to realize that I always have choices. I can choose to live in fear or I can choose to express love. Although I do not express jealousy through control, I do feel threatened by the possibility of loss. The reason I can move beyond jealousy is that in every moment I choose to take responsibility for my life and who I am. I deal with the fear of loss by recognizing my age-old wounds rather then blaming my partner for the pain. I am internalizing my work rather then being a victim. This is not easy to do."

How do you relate to jealous females?

"In the Tao there is a saying: 'The caged bird shows no allegiance'. I have no desire for caged birds in my life. I have less and less room for people who don't allow free will. I try to live an inclusive life with an open door that invites others in. They may exclude themselves because they find my beliefs offensive. They are free to make that choice, as well.

Jealousy is a form of resistance. When I allow my resistance to fall away, I create room for many other things: change, new people, new ideas, growth, expanded relationships, extended family. Who knows how far it could go? When I do that, what grows in that space is often unexpected and very joyful. Because when given room, we can all begin to expand into our unlimited potential and therefore create more space for everyone else."++


Copyright 2003 The Alternative Reality Press


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